


Unusual Circumstances

by FayJay



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-05-05
Updated: 2009-05-05
Packaged: 2017-10-02 09:07:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FayJay/pseuds/FayJay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cliche fic, humour, dialogue-only, based on the 'Aliens make them shag' trope popular in Stargate fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unusual Circumstances

"You did WHAT?"

"Well how was I supposed to know? I was just being polite, damn it!"

"You were just being – Colonel, you were in the briefing. I made it very clear that we shouldn't consume any food or drink while we were here. I explained why, and in great detail. There were graphs. Sir."

"She's right, Jack. There were definitely gra – I'm not helping, am I?"

"Thank you, Daniel. Right, fine, okay, I get the idea. I should have been paying more attention. I suck. Fine. So what are we going to do about this – situation? Ideas? Anybody?"

"..."

"We're going to be stuck here until they unseal the door, sir, and that won't be for at least another eight hours. By that time – well, I'm afraid that your condition could be critical. The only solution is to consume the - ah - the antidote. Sir."

"Great! That is - we brought some with us, right?"

"You really weren't paying attention to my briefing, were you?"

"I was, I was! Just, you know, not all the time. But this is good, Carter - we're okay, right? Right? Daniel, why are you looking at me like that? Why is he looking at me like that? What does he know that I don't know?"

"It's not exactly your standard antidote, sir."

"What Major Carter is trying to tell you, O'Neill, is that the antidote to the aphrodisiac is male ejaculate."

"You're kidding."

"..."

"Tell me he's kidding, Carter. Carter?"

"I'm sorry sir. I did warn you in the briefing that this was a likely consequence of imbibing anything from this planet. The combination of atmospheric gases and the minerals in the soil –"

"Don't give me this atmospheric rubbish! Damn it! I may not have been paying proper attention, but you never said - and you used lots of fancy words in the briefing, how was I supposed to know you meant – damn it, Carter! This is not acceptable!"

"Colonel O'Neill, it seems clear that the only solution to your present predicament is the action outlined by Major Carter in the briefing.

"Et tu, Teal'c?"

"Under the circumstances, I would be honoured if --"

"I AM NOT DRINKING ANYONE'S MALE EJACULATE, DAMN IT!"

"Well, but Jack, if the only thing that can save your life is semen --"

"Not. Going. To. Happen."

"But --"

"I swear, Teal'c, if you don't back off I'm not going to be responsible for my actions. Carter, stop grinning, damn it. This is ridiculous. Find another way! Now!"

* * *

"They should have been here by now."

"Something must have gone wrong, O'Neill."

"I realise that! You think I don't -- ow. Damn. Where's Thor when you need him?"

"Jack, you're looking really hot."

"Don't even think about it, Daniel."

"No, I meant...I meant feverish. That's all. You're sweating. Are you sure you don't -"

"Back. Off."

* * *

"Look, this isn't a come on, okay? This is just -- I'm very hot. Aren't you hot? Isn't anyone else finding it hot in here?"

"...."

"I'm just taking off my shirt like any normal, non-semen-drinking person who happens to be very very hot."

"I didn't say anything, sir."

"But you were thinking it, Carter. I could see you thinking it."

"This does not seem likely, O'Neill. Does it relieve your symptoms to twitch your legs in this way?"

"Shut. Up."

* * *

"What are you doing, Colonel?"

"I'm just helping Daniel. He's clearly too hot. Look at him. He's so -- hot."

"I don't -- Sam, I wasn't -- um. Oh! That's very -- oh!"

"Yes? What are you looking at?"

"Nothing, sir."

"Good. Fine. So long as you're not going to start on with your lewd suggestions about -- hmmph. Because I'm not succumbing to any stupid alien aphrodisiac. Definitely. I'm just looking out for my team. What?"

"I -- um. Nothing, sir. Are you okay, Daniel?"

"Er. Yes?"

"That does not look very comfortable, DanielJackson."

"No, really. Just sitting around, suddenly not wearing my shirt, waiting to be rescued. Nothing to see here. I just -- ngah!"

"Teal'c, I think they could do with a little privacy."

"That will be difficult, Major Carter, given the dimensions of this cave."

"Right. But - let's try, okay? You okay with this, Daniel?"

"Er, yes. Right. A little embarrassed, but otherwise fine. Did I mention the shirtlessness? And now -- Mmmph"

"Okay then. We'll be over here, examining the interesting stratifications on the wall. Yes indeed. Very interesting."

"Mmmph."

* * *

"What?"

"Nobody spoke, O'Neill."

"You don't need to speak! Damn it, I know that something happened in there. One minute I'm accepting a drink from that pretty little Me'Reesoo kid, and the next thing everything starts to go fuzzy on me, and then I wake up in a cave? And before I can figure out what's going on, the door opens and we all get out of the cave and somehow it's morning already? One of you is going to have to spill the beans. Carter? Daniel? Come on, damn it!"

"Er -- I honestly don't think you want to know, sir."

"Teal'c, you need to tell me exactly what happened. Right now. Consider it an order."

"Jack, I don't think you really --"

"Daniel, this would be a good time to shut up."

"But I don't think that --"

"Teal'c? I'm waiting."

"Very well, O'Neill..."

* * * 

"...and then you removed DanielJackson's shirt, O'Neill, which seemed to surprise DanielJackson considerably, although I do not think he was entirely displeased."

"Oh. My. God."

"...er, it was getting quite warm in the cave. I mean, the air was pleasant and cooling on my, er, chest. Er."

"Oh. My. God."

"And you began to stroke DanielJackson's thigh and stare at him intently. DanielJackson did not protest - indeed, he appeared to enjoy it. Perhaps you are more attracted to members of your own species than to Jaffar. This is not without precedent. Certainly you began to concentrate your attentions almost exclusively upon DanielJackson, and it became clear that you wished to become intimate with him, and effect a cure that way. He did not seem averse to this, and in the circumstances it was the logical thing to do."

"I wished to...Oh. My. God."

"It was actually rather nice. Um."

"...."

"We didn't watch, Colonel. Teal'c and I were very engrossed in the, ah, the natural formations of the cave. Very engrossed."

"Although Major Carter occasionally glanced around to make sure that neither of you were in need of assistance. She was concerned for your well being."

"...."

"Carter!"

"Just - ah - just making sure you were okay. Er."

"She was _most_ concerned for your well being."

"Oh. My. God."

"So - does this mean we're dating?"

"Daniel, don't be mean! Sir, I'm truly sorry. None of this needs to go in the report - I think that under the circumstances it would be just as well if we forgot about it."

"Yes. Yes, good. Right. Good. Okay."

"..."

"...do you want us to be dating?"

"Colonel!"

"Jack!"

"O'Neill, I begin to suspect that your earlier protests against the act in question were not entirely sincere."

"Shut. Up. Daniel?"

"Er. I don't know? Maybe? If there was less amnesia and not so much in the way of alien aphrodisiacs and, you know, audiences of our co-workers involved? Not that you weren't -- I mean -- er. Yes?"

"Okay."


End file.
